Why can’t you all be like your sisters the nightshade vegetables? Do you see how the tomatoes are thriving and producing fruit like crazy? Why, just today I had to spend thirty minutes staking them up, they’re such overachievers. The potatoes are practically taking over. Even the eggplant is kicking out huge, purple blossoms. Actually, eggplant, the days for blossoms are over; you should be moving on to fruit by now. But strawberries! I expected better from you. Those four wee berries were delicious and all, but there were only four. Ok, well, maybe I could have placed you in a spot that wasn’t the corner. Alright, you’ve got me there. Also, I’m sorry about tearing out those little baby plants you shot out when I was weeding. That was very uncool of me. Keep up the good work. Lettuce! Lettuce, come back here. I’m disappointed in you, mister. Sure, the slugs have been very hungry, but you could have done better. Think of what promise you had when you first burst through the dirt, ready to take on the world! Alright, sure, maybe there were some weeds. FINE. A lot of weeds. Baby, I can change! Don’t give up on me! Grow, little babies. Carrots. What the eff is this? I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be baby carrots. Get on that. And radishes. Just pathetic. I am ashamed. A red root is not the same as a radish. Were the thriving kale and onions embarrassing to you? They should have been. Once again, I am thoroughly disappointed. Tomatoes, let me say again how much I love and adore you. You smell so delicious and mmmm. Ok, well garden, I think this has been good for our relationship.